The first boy I loved.

 Eight months of incomplete memories.

It was mid September. I was working as door staff at a live music venue. He was this weird boy that came up to me and asked to take my picture. I guess he thought I was pretty… maybe he told me that. I don't remember. We barely talked. Exchanged names, little else. He left before I could find out more. And then I found him on myspace, and we talked on msn some… not a lot.

Even then, I think I expected more of him than he was prepared to be. I created this image of him in my mind, expanding upon what little I knew - that he was into art, music, that he was or wanted to be, a writer. I was enthralled by his potential. I invited him to an art exhibition and lunch. With my friends. I wasn't game to ask him on a proper date. I don't think I've ever been brave enough to ask any guy out. Anyway he didn't go. But we still talked online. I was working at the club fairly often, and he went there, so I saw him sometimes too. He started working there and I saw him more. Sometime's we'd hang out afterwards. To me, he always seemed to be part of a different world. I was fairly sheltered, I hadn't been a rebellious teen, had not yet done the whole getting drunk, staying out etc. He did, and I skirted the outside of that world, trying to be closer to him. I was already falling for him.

I don't remember if we saw each other much other than that, except for one shining afternoon. I met him in town - I think it was planned, maybe he asked me to meet him because he was bored. His friend Simon was there too. Simon wasn't his real name. I named him that one night at the club, because I wanted to. The three of us walked around town, unproductively. We looked in art shops and got helium balloons. We experimented with letting them loose on reels of cotton, in the middle of the mall. Surreal. Beautiful. He took pictures of me again. That day I felt like I was someone he could fall for, that we were creating this magical not-world together.

He was a boy that wanted to be chased, but every time I chased him, he'd put up barriers, and I guess I just wasn't running fast enough to get over them. Yeah, that's a good analogy. It wasn't that I didn't want him badly enough, because I did. But I was afraid - afraid to chase him properly, because the faster you run, the harder you fall and the more you get hurt. And even then, I was too afraid of getting hurt.

One night I was managing a show at the club. I think, on this night or recently before it, something bad had happened. I'd decided not to like him anymore because of it. More than that, I was angry with him. Not angry, maybe disappointed or hurt. I forget, but I can assume it was something to do with another girl… I think I felt scorned. Hell hath no fury etc. Anyway, I was taking a break, and sitting in a car with some friends. He came up to the window. This is, I think, the moment in which I obliterated any potential we might have had. In six destructive words. I opened the window to him. He was drunk, and he said to me "apparently you like me". In retrospect, his attitude was one of shyness, poorly concealed with presumption. But all I saw was arrogance (because he was a boy that all girls liked). So I replied, coldly, "I did. Past tense. Go away". He left. I closed the window and my friends chastised me when I asked them if I had been too cruel. But it felt… not right, but satisfying.

The next time I saw him and he made as if to avoid me, I queried and he told me "I thought you didn't want anything to do with me". His hurt was evident and I felt the full ramifications of my bitter words. I apologised and told him nothing could be further from the truth. Our pseudo-friendship was restored.

One time he tried to kiss me. He was drunk. I resisted. I didn't want to be another drunken hook up. So many girls came and went in his life, meaning nothing. I was then too young to understand the ill-advised pursuit of a boy-slut. To be honest, I think I still fail to grasp said stupidity.

I lost my virginity to him in April. I was out one night with friends but I ditched them to find him. He was going home, so I waited with him at the bus stop. I'll never forget this conversation, even though now it seems almost comical.
"I've been sort of seeing this girl," he said looking at me sideways. I made a noncommittal noise of dissent. "I think she's just waiting for me to say something about being my girlfriend…" he paused, "kind of like you are."
How I responded to this escapes me. I think I denied it, but the conversation moved on to what we might want - relationship wise. He didn't want anything serious, I don't know what I said. I probably lied and said the same.
He missed his last bus home and through some haze of scene kids, mixed rollies and borrowed change, wound up coming home with me.
"I don't want to do anything" he said on the way. "Neither do I". It was half-true. I was vastly inexperienced and certainly not brave enough to admit my desire.
At my house, we drank. Vodka, a third of a bottle that I had leftover from something. And, as seems to happen when young drunk people share a bed, we kissed. And more. I remember the sex being enjoyable and confusing. Afterwards he asked me to put my underwear back on and he made me spoon him. I guess you can't make someone spoon you… you can spoon someone against their will, but you can't be spooned without some input. It made me feel lonely though, like he didn't want to hold me, but expected to be held.
The next day I had work. He walked me to the bus stop. I don't think we kissed goodbye. I didn't hear from him for a week.

This next bit isn't entirely clear. I was in town after running a show. I forget how I came to know he was about, but I remember wandering around trying to find him, and eventually catching up in a park. I sat on a construction barrier, and he stood in front of me, holding my hands. We talked, maybe fought, but gently. I asked him why he didn't text me all week, "you didn't text me either!" he parried, and I didn't know how to respond without resorting to gender stereotypes. Maybe I used them anyway. My mother has ever drilled into me "don't call him, let him call you" and it's hard to escape. We talked about things that weren't related to us as an "us". The subject of relationships was studiously avoided, although I tried to bring it up. Then someone came up and told him he had a ride somewhere and he had to go. I asked him not to, but he left. I texted him, "I really need to talk about this", he replied, "be friends, or deal with it."
It crushed me. I was heartbroken. We never really were friends after that. I don't think I've seen him more than a handful of times since. I still think of him sometimes, when he comes up in my Facebook feed. I hope he reaches his potential one day and has a good life.

A perfect afternoon

12o'clock, the deli is busy. It is an overcast, wet, summer day. Businessmen come in, their shirts patterned with raindrops. Visually, the weather says: keep warm, but the air is sticky hot. In the deli the air conditioner battles the grill for control of the temperature. Orders are coming swiftly; they are interrupted when the room is plunged into unexpected darkness. Surprised customers and staff pause in their work. Power returns momentarily and activity resumes until if fails altogether. Work continues, slightly stilted until the lunch rush is over. It is fun to work in the dark, like secrets and intrigue. However, unneeded, I am dismissed early.
1pm, I step outside into the light rain. Heavier drops seep through my tshirt and it is refreshingly cool. I make the bus, skittering across traffic and slippery pavement. Watching the rainy streets and daydreaming I manage to miss my stop... and several past it. On the far side of the city I ask the driver where the bus actually finishes.
I am going to Glenelg.
I love the beach most on rainy days. The jetty stretches over shimmering grey satin. There is a breeze chilling the raindrops on my skin as I walk to the end. Jetty jumpers are enjoying the summer warmth and 2 optimistic fisherpeople are trying their luck but I feel like I have the whole ocean to myself. Cocooned by my earphones and Yann Tierson, I imagine I am on a ship, travelling to an older world. As I turn back to land, my mind suggests the possibility of one I love catching me unawares with an umbrella and a hug. I can be such a hopeless romantic in my imagination. I shake off the slight melancholy of that image as I walk back up the pier.
Childhood memories lead me to the Fairy Bay. My third birthday party was held in this tiny store and although damp and bedraggled, I ask the owner a few questions about becoming a professional fairy. She is enthusiastic and encourages me to apply. I leave with a smile and plans.
Around the corner is a vintage store. I ambitiously buy a slightly-too-small-but-gorgeous slip for half the asking price and drool over silver cowboy boots. They are my size and will become mine... when I can afford them.
3:15... It's time to leave now, I return to the bus stop but it is empty. Venturing into the second hand book store behind, a near new Paulo Coelho falls into my hands. As I step out, the bus arrives and I make my way home.

Dinner to Dubstep. Tears to Glowsticks.

So my night didn't kick off fantastically. It improved.
Here's what I wore. Almost as planned.
Nail detail. Argh my fingers are icky!! I admit, I bite the edges. Very bad habit.
Had so much fun taking photos with my Annicka.
We be silly children. Or "adults" as Ani declared us. LOL
I love this one because it reminds me of American Gothic.
I guess going out for dinner is fairly grown up.
I had to leave early to go to Fridge (drum and bass show that my friends run/DJ at). I work on the door.
Worth it for the glowsticks I think.

Dinner Plans

Dinner Plans by JessiePie featuring multi strand necklaces

International Fairy Bread Appreciation Day

The second Sunday of January each year, is International Fairy Bread Appreciation Day. Obviously one must celebrate this by dressing as a fairy and flitting about...
...or falling, albeit balletically, into a rose garden

Being stalked by swans is optional.

Delightful picnic crew at any rate. L-R: Pippin, Myself, Peta, Dali and Kathryn (shooped in).

Flower Fairy

Flower Fairies by JessiePie featuring ivory tops

Everybody does bad things. Im unreliable. That's my bad thing.

I'm often late. I sometimes choose not to return calls/texts just because I don't want to - even when I know it's probably important to the person. I seldom go out of my way to meet with people because I want them to come to me. I almost always reply "maybe" on Facebook events… and I don't always make it to the ones I reply "yes" to. I forget gatherings and parties. I allow myself to get caught up in one fun things with one group of friends, meaning I arrive late, or entirely skip something with another group. I promise to catch up with people and never make firm plans. I act evasively. I hide.

I try not to be a bitch, I don't lie/cheat/steal/whatever. I'm just unreliable. It's my bad thing.

When Winter Comes...

When Winter Comes... by JessiePie featuring frame sunglasses

Food for Thought

...if your thoughts are that you are hungry...

Delicious things I have made and eaten recently:

Salmon, brie and avocado omelette.

Mini nachos, with greek yogurt instead of sour cream.

Cucumber and spreadable Mersey Valley cheese on vitabrits.

Smoked salmon, cucumber, Kewpie mayonnaise and avocado sushi.

Cucumber sticks with greek yogurt.

Blue cordial.
Nothing this colour seems like a good idea, but it's apple and black current flavour and has extra electrolytes for fast hydration.

Roses and Bows - Polyvore

Roses and Bows - concept by JessiePie featuring star shoes

Roses and Bows

I spent a fabulous day with my friend Dali, and managed to coerce her into taking these photos of me. I picked up the super cute bow in Rundle Street for $10 *happy* I picked up the rose in the Rhymill Park rose garden... sshhhh >_>

In love with love.

In love with love. by JessiePie featuring black suspenders

This Year I....

...turned 21...

...went from pink...
...to blonde...
...to pretty red.
I moved out of home...
...tried to live glamourously...
...but subsisted mostly on tuna.
I saw Designer Drugs (my favourite DJ set) live...
...became the Queen of Hearts......and worked on some great films - completing my Advanced Diploma in Screen and Media.
I acquired a new friend...
...worked with her...
...played with her...
...and watched her grow into a happy, albeit strange, cat-teenager.
I hosted a merry Christmas for my family...
...and over the year I've put on 5kg :( but I think I look alright for it.

I greet two thousand and heaven with open arms, an open heart and an open mind.
I hope my year is filled with opportunities and that I achieve any goals I choose to set myself.
I don't know where I'm going, but when I get there I want to like who I am.
That's the most important thing!